I've had feelings about my body that can never be put into the exact-just-right kind of words. I can write about it (and I do), talk about it, think about it, and pray about it, but nothing ever quite hits the same depth as my actual feelings. It's surprising how sharp and determined those feelings can be. After months, or years, of freedom you might wake up one morning with the thick, heavy weight of those particular emotions again. And, dammit, weren't you free? Hadn't you already conquered and conquered again?
What even triggered that beast again? What called her to light, when you hadn't even thought of her in such a long time? How is she lurking in every mirror reflection, every bite of food, and every quiet moment?
I really believe that everything in life cycles. We are like the earth rotating through seasons; like the certainty of day turning into night and night turning into day; like a seed that becomes a tree, whose seeds become trees. We who are the crown of creation are truly a part of creation. So we cycle. Most of the time we are pretty far out from our brokenness, even unaware of it's existence. But then we spin back around and we're surprised that it's still there. Wasn't I done with that? Hadn't I processed it, surrendered it, and filed it away? Wasn't it sealed in tears and relinquishment? If I'm here again does that mean I'm not really free?
You know what, friends? We're always going to cycle. Always. And when we relinquish all over again we'll find that we're farther out from those feelings than we thought we were. We embrace the cross of our brokenness by acknowledging that we will find ourselves on that same muddy ground again and again, but we don't have to be slaves to our old patterns and thoughts anymore. Because, yes, we are FREE. More than free- we are abundantly and earth shatteringly free. We are further out from who we were and who we could be again with every cycle.
When I spun around to my old feelings this week I realized something that I really needed to know: I won't be had. I may still be a little broken, messy, and momentarily crushed by feelings, but I'm not a slave anymore. I don't have to give way to the behaviour that once ruled my life and demolished my heart. And even now, in the THICK of those emotions, I'm so vividly aware of how free I am. I'm grateful for the cycle that reminds me of who I have been, who I am capable of being again, and who I truly, fully AM.
We are often so easily dismayed by the natural rhythm of our lives. Do you need this reminder too? You may be in the hardest part of your cycle, but you are new. That old beast is becoming a mouse and you are becoming free-er by the moment. Keep relinquishing. Keep rising up.
You will not be had.