Rest and Guilt

Today I rested.

It really shouldn't be such a shock.

Rest is a part of life... or it should be.

haven't rested in a long time because I feel guilty.

There is so much that is mine to carry.

And it is all legitimately mine.

I feel like I'm living on a tightrope. My eyes are always on my feet...

Where I'm stepping, where I'm slipping.

I hold my breath and I hug the midline.

I start to sway, to topple, and I stop to breathe.

Re-center.

There's just no rest. There's nowhere to relinquish.

There's only balance.

Or all is lost.

Today I stopped. I pressed up against my guilt and remembered that I'm no good to anyone if I'm run down and crushed.

I had time away from my kids, but I didn't use it to work.

I read a book. I felt guilty the entire time.

But I'm learning about guilt and I can acknowledge that this is the toxic kind.

I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't broken a rule or demolished a boundary.

I'm tired. I rested.

And that honors the God who rests.

Here's the really honest part - once my kids were in bed I tried to work. I thought, "If I can just get through TWO photo edits I'll be good!"

Yuck. Because that's not what today was for. That was guilt. It was toxic.

Tomorrow I'll work my ass off. Tomorrow I'll be rested and a little more capable. Tomorrow is soon enough.

Grace for the human. Mercy for the flawed. Peace for the weary.

*November 2012